I got talking with an elderly man few days ago. He told me the following story:
There was a 65-yrs old man who got himself a young second wife because his wife “left him no option”! He was an academic, rich and lived in a top-class reserved area. He had his children scattered in foreign lands. His wife kept junketing from one foreign country to another on the excuse of nursing her grand-children. Sometimes, for a whole year, the man was left alone at home! It was that loneliness and lack of someone to care for him that pushed him to marry this young woman. Of course, when the children heard, they protested. But he asked them if they want to kill him!
The man I was talking to asked my opinion as to whether this 65-yrs old man had an option or not. What do you see to that, Pastor? What do you have in package for us [for he himself was around this same age and, co-incidentally, his wife was at that time away in the US to nurse a baby!], as you have always talked about husband and wife doing things as One? He wanted to hear my viewpoint.
The first thing I told him was that all he had said was an end that had several wrongs at the beginning! The man was wrong. The woman was wrong. The children were wrong. Lo, the situation itself was most likely a product of a dysfunctional relationship!
The man was wrong in the sense that what he thought to be a solution – marrying a second wife – was a palliative: a sinful one for that matter! He was not free in the sight of God to marry another woman as long as his wife lived!
The woman was wrong to leave her husband alone for so long. Was she actually employing her action as an escape? May be!
The children were wrong for “putting asunder” their parents for whatever excuse. Why should they take their mum away from her husband for their own selfish ends?
Howbeit, I think the fundamental wrong could be traced to how this dad and mum had handled their relationship as they grew on to that empty-nest stage of their marriage. By the way, the empty-nest stage of marriage is that point in time when all children are gone out to be on their own, and the man and woman return to where they started – “childless”! It is an inescapable stage of life. It’s one that doesn’t come suddenly on anyone. It’s one that can be and, indeed, we must prepare for. It appears that this old couple didn’t prepare for this inevitable stage of their life! And, believe me, many couples are towing same route today!!
One of the statements I have always emphasized with plea to all young couples – indeed, every couple – is: “You may never know the ultimate and blessed value of intimacy in marriage until the empty-nest stage!”
Intimacy talks of harmony, closeness, affinity, oneness, amity, affection, etc. Where else of all human relationship but in marriage is this more expedient? One of the great scriptural platforms the marriage God instituted rests on is “So then, they are no longer two but one flesh…” (Matt. 19:6). The “one flesh” canon here is a straightforward basis for marital intimacy. The moment a man and a woman get married, working out intimacy must start in earnest. Every dividing line must be paid attention to. They must begin to blend into one indivisible entity – spiritually, emotionally and even physically – as God design marriage to be. Really, it is impossible for marriage to last in inharmoniousness. That is why God sternly warned, “Therefore what God has joined together, let not man put asunder.”
Any couple that fails to seriously handle this matter of marital congruity and actually work assiduously to build it while they are yet young is bound to eat the painful and regrettable fruit in the latter years! There will be no escaping this, except by the mercies and intervention of the Lord.
Many couples fail to build needful inseparableness when they should for diverse excuses. Some women, in particular, spend their time to over-concentrate on their children. To some men, it is their job or career or business. [The man whose story was told above was said to have been too concentrated on studiousness to the detriment of many other aspects of his life! In that sense, he never lived a balanced youthful life!!]. Living apart for long as married couples will also be a real culprit for failure to grow intimacy. There are many more. Whatever the case, there is no excusable excuse for this abnormal marital growth!
As I said earlier, the empty-nest stage of marriage/life is inevitable. It doesn’t come suddenly either. It is one we should prepare for. One of the needful preparations we should make for this stage is such a case like the need for grandma to go and nurse their grandchildren when they begin to arrive. We all want to see our children’s children, no doubt. However, every such good thing like that must have a price! For the old couples, releasing one of the two to baby-seat is a real cost. And, who will the nurse be but grandma? Who will have to be left behind but the grandpa? This is a cost we must be prepared to manage.
Where intimacy had being well grown, and the man and woman had become sweetly congenial, such temporary but exigent separation will have to be properly negotiated and time-limited. There would be need for a tripartite agreement between the old man, the old woman and the child that needs her service as to the time limit, palliative measures [like hiring safe and suitable domestic assistance] and the rest. In a genuinely harmonious union, even the wife will feel uncomfortable to stay apart from her hubby for any long stretch of time. Where the child can afford it, and the man is not tied down by any other demand, why not invite the two of them together? It will be an opportunity for grandpa to change environment, relax and enjoy the fruit of his labour too!
However, where there was never such an affinity or oneness, every such opportunity to go visiting the children or nursing baby will be a good escape for the grand-mum! In such case, the grand-dad suffers in loneliness! He bears the brunt! I do warn men to think upon this end, and do all to engender close friendship with the wives of their youth. The option would be to settle for such wrong solution as of the man in our story above and damn the consequences – especially the divine wrath!
Let those that are wise-hearted learn the right way now!
Your brother,
Author: Dayo St. John
[Pastor Dayo St. John is God’s Helmsman for Help for the Family Ministry. He and his family, as well as the Ministry’s Headquarters, are based in Lagos, Nigeria.]
helpforthefamilyministry@gmail.com
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